Every dad has them tucked away in their repertoire, just waiting for the right moment to trot them out and elicit a chorus of groans from the family. That’s right. They’re dad jokes, and they’re here to stay.

If your steady rotation is feeling a little stale or you simply want to add some depth to your bench, here are 20 Groan-Inducing Dad Jokes to drop on your kids.

Disclaimer: we take no responsibility for any groans, eye-rolls or face-palms that result from the use of these jokes:

~1~

When a big bug splatters all over your windshield…

Dad: “He won’t have the guts to do that again.”

 

~2~

When someone walks into the room and says, “Well…”

Dad: “That’s a deep subject.”

 

~3~

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

An investigator.

 

~4~

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?

A thesaurus.

 

~5~

If someone complains that your computer hasn’t been upgraded to Windows 7.

Dad (In Schwarzenegger accent): “I still love Vista, baby!”

 

~6~

How do you organize a space party?

You planet.

 

~7~

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

“No!  What happened?!”

It’s okay, he woke up.

 

~8~

When child has a rash and mom wants to go to the doctor:

Dad: “Let’s not make any rash decisions.”

(for best effect, give high-fives all around)

 

~9~

Stand on one leg at the bank.  When your child asks what you’re doing:

“Checking my balance”

 

~10~

Dad: Have you heard about that new film Constipation?

Child: No.


Dad: That’s because it hasn’t come out yet.

 

~11~

Why is there a long line at the cemetery?

 Because people are dying to get in.

 

~12~

Why do crabs never give to charity?

Because they’re shellfish.

 

~13~

My wife is on a tropical food diet, all she eats is exotic fruit.

It’s enough to make a mango crazy.

 

~14~

After showing them Spielberg’s classic:

What’s E.T. short for?

Because he’s got little legs.

 

~15~

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers please.”

 

~16~

Why can’t you have a nose 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot.

 

~17~

Reach into the spice rack and grab the appropriate herb and say:

“Looks like I’ve got a lot of Thyme on my hands.”

 

~18~

Most effort goes to this dad, who walks around asking people if they want to see his pride and joy.

 

~19~

Best laugh goes to this dad, who figured out a way to put these two trash cans in a cyclical loop, making them appear to talk to each other.

 

~20~

And finally…

What do you get when you cross a rhetorical question with a joke?

Thank you, good night.

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About The Author

Michael Berman

Husband and father of two who works as a professional writer, having sold screenplays to Sony, Disney, MGM and Showtime among others. Always on the look out for solid, useful information to share with other parents on Chilldad.com.

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