Every dad has them tucked away in their repertoire, just waiting for the right moment to trot them out and elicit a chorus of groans from the family. That’s right. They’re dad jokes, and they’re here to stay.

If your steady rotation is feeling a little stale or you simply want to add some depth to your bench, here are 20 Groan-Inducing Dad Jokes to drop on your kids.

Disclaimer: we take no responsibility for any groans, eye-rolls or face-palms that result from the use of these jokes:


When a big bug splatters all over your windshield…

Dad: “He won’t have the guts to do that again.”



When someone walks into the room and says, “Well…”

Dad: “That’s a deep subject.”



What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

An investigator.



What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?

A thesaurus.



If someone complains that your computer hasn’t been upgraded to Windows 7.

Dad (In Schwarzenegger accent): “I still love Vista, baby!”



How do you organize a space party?

You planet.



Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

“No!  What happened?!”

It’s okay, he woke up.



When child has a rash and mom wants to go to the doctor:

Dad: “Let’s not make any rash decisions.”

(for best effect, give high-fives all around)



Stand on one leg at the bank.  When your child asks what you’re doing:

“Checking my balance”



Dad: Have you heard about that new film Constipation?

Child: No.

Dad: That’s because it hasn’t come out yet.



Why is there a long line at the cemetery?

 Because people are dying to get in.



Why do crabs never give to charity?

Because they’re shellfish.



My wife is on a tropical food diet, all she eats is exotic fruit.

It’s enough to make a mango crazy.



After showing them Spielberg’s classic:

What’s E.T. short for?

Because he’s got little legs.



A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers please.”



Why can’t you have a nose 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot.



Reach into the spice rack and grab the appropriate herb and say:

“Looks like I’ve got a lot of Thyme on my hands.”



Most effort goes to this dad, who walks around asking people if they want to see his pride and joy.



Best laugh goes to this dad, who figured out a way to put these two trash cans in a cyclical loop, making them appear to talk to each other.



And finally…

What do you get when you cross a rhetorical question with a joke?

Thank you, good night.

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About The Author

Michael Berman

Husband and father of two who works as a professional writer, having sold screenplays to Sony, Disney, MGM and Showtime among others. Always on the look out for solid, useful information to share with other parents on Chilldad.com.

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