15 years ago, when my wife and I first found out that our baby was going to be a girl, the doctor told a joke that has since been repeated to me about a thousand times. “With a boy, you only have to worry about ONE penis, with a girl, you have to worry about billions of penises.”

As my baby girl grew up, I generally kept that initial warning out of my mind until two weeks ago, when she told me that a boy named “Bobby” was going to take her to a movie on Friday night. I no longer had billions of vague, nameless, body-less penises to worry about, I now had a very specific single penis to worry about… Bobby’s penis.

Now that the date is over, in hindsight, Bobby behaved like a perfect gentleman, very respectful and polite. I should have been happy that a good boy like Bobby was taking my daughter out to a movie. Instead, I behaved like an ass and scared Bobby away.

Here is a list (not comprehensive, but fairly representative) of the mistakes that I made on my daughter’s first date.

1. My first question upon hearing about the date: “Where can I find this Bobby?”

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This question immediately got my daughter worried about my behavior and possible negative interactions with Bobby. I shouldn’t have just blurted out the first thought in my head. I wish I had been much calmer about the date, but it was such a shock to me. The key to being able to protect your daughter is to have her trust. I had immediately shaken that trust and caused her to worry about my actions. It would have been much better if we both worried about Bobby’s actions.

2. I sent a friend request to Bobby on Facebook.

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Dolphyn/Shutterstock

I found Bobby on Facebook. Most of Bobby’s information and pictures were available only to his friends. So, logically, I sent Bobby a friend request. Within five minutes of my friend request, my daughter screamed, “DADDY! You friended Bobby? You’re so embarrassing!”

Bobby accepted my friend request which gave me access to all of his facebook information. I was happy to find out that Bobby seems to come from a good, happy family as I browsed through pictures of his family’s ski trip to Tahoe. I also found out that Bobby and I shared a few common interests. We both love Game of Thrones, The Wire and The Cosby Show.

Upon seeing that Bobby and I were now “friends”, my daughter “de-friended” me. Is it legal for a daughter to “de-friend” her father?

3. I paid a surprise visit to Bobby’s house and got drunk with his dad.

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After my thorough internet investigation of Bobby, I wanted to meet him in person. On Thursday night, the night before the date, I stopped by Bobby’s house on my way home from work.

The whole family was home except for Bobby, who had lacrosse practice. I spent some time chatting with his mother and father. It turns out that Bobby’s father and I went to the same college and were in the same fraternity, although he was five years older than me. We started talking about the friends that we had in common and decided that we should play Beer Pong in the backyard.

I soon found out that Bobby’s father is very good at throwing ping pong balls into plastic cups. Two hours later, I was on my knees puking in the bushes as Bobby’s father screamed “BOOT AND RALLY!” When I stood up to prepare for another game, that’s when I met Bobby for the first time.

4. I lied to my daughter about going to Bobby’s house.

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I’m not really sure how I made it home from Bobby’s house on Thursday night. I did not feel well at all. To make matters worse, my daughter immediately started interrogating me. The conversation went like this:

“Daddy? Why did you go over to Bobby’s house and get hammered?”

“What? That’s insane! Where would you get such a crazy idea?”

“Well, you smell like beer. And Bobby just told me that you were just at his house puking and playing beer pong with his dad.”

“What! Bobby is a liar! Who are you going to believe, your dad, who has taken care of you from birth? Or this lying punk Bobby?”

“I believe Bobby.”

“Why would you believe Bobby?”

“Daddy, he just drove you home.”

5. I followed them too closely.

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Scarleth Marie/FLICKR

Despite all of my horrible behavior leading up to Friday night, Bobby still arrived at our door to take my daughter out on her first date. He was very polite. He even called me Mr. Wang and did not once refer to the events of the night before. He brought a rose for my daughter, which was actually very sweet.

As someone who has seen lots of cop movies, I should have known better than to drive right behind Bobby’s car. If that wasn’t obvious enough, I parked right next to them when we arrived at the mall. I sat next to them at the food court as they ate dinner and I sat right behind them in the movie theater.

Mission accomplished? Sort of.

Chaz

“Chaz”

The end result of my actions for my daughter’s first date is that Bobby did not even attempt to touch her the entire evening. He brought her home right after the movie at 9:30 pm when he knew my daughter’s curfew was midnight.

The good news: My daughter was home safe and sound from her first date with a boy.

Here’s the bad news: My daughter thinks that I am a lunatic and my actions have caused a rift in our once loving and trusting relationship. Also, Bobby did not ask her out for a second date.

Instead, she is scheduled to go out this weekend with another boy named Chaz. I’ve done some internet research on Chaz (without contacting him on any social media) and I hate him. I like Bobby much better than Chaz. Who willingly goes by the name of Chaz? This kid is an idiot.

I have not done anything nor do I intend to do anything to sabotage her date with Chaz this weekend. However, tonight I do plan on going back to Bobby’s house and begging him to ask my daughter out again. And if I’m lucky, we’ll watch a few episodes of The Cosby Show together.

 

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